Warning: A little dark, I guess. (angst, profanity, fairly non-graphic sex)
Summary: Bill remembering something about someone he somethinged.
Note from author: You know how people say, “Hey I’m new here this is my first fanfiction ever so plz be kind ; ) and no flames k”? Yeah. Well, uh, I’m that somebody. I mean, only the first fic bit. So. Awkward for me. I don’t mind flames or criticism of any kind, in fact, I welcome it. I can’t write. I’ve never been able to finish a story. A few drabbles here and there, but those don’t really count. So. This. I don’t know. It was extremely difficult to start writing this. I really had to force it out. Doesn’t come naturally to me. But I’ve wanted to write something and actually finish the thing for so long that I made myself do it. I hope it makes sense. Anyway.
Also, about past/present/future tense, whatever…I understand that some of this is technically wrong, but uh, it’s intentional. I’m unwilling to give it up. And so on.
I remember your smile.
So sweet. So charming. Like a little boy at Christmas. I’m the old pervert in the Santa suit. And when I got you on my lap…
Little squinty eyes, face all scrunched up like a wet dish-rag. A gorgeous, stunningly handsome dish-rag.
Laughter like a bottle of Coke that’s been shaken violently but left unopened, all the while grinning like a melon.
A smile that cuts your face in two.
You could be such a child sometimes. And you know how much I love children. But the way you hurt…
I remember your smile.
I remember seeing it in the morning, when I’m just waking up, beaming at me like a fucking ray of sunshine. Of course you were awake. You said you liked to wake early to catch the sunrise. You said there were few things on this planet more beautiful. I said that it happened every day. I said it was just the sun.
But don’t you think it’s atleast a little pretty?
Yeah, it’s a little pretty. I guess.
You just stared out the window.
The sun did do something to your body.
And I thought I was vulnerable. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe you were comfortable in the morning, with skin glowing like that, with eyes blue and gold, hair bright white. Maybe I’m the one who hates being naked. You looked right at home. Hey, if you love the sun so fucking much, why don’t you marry it? Goddamn June-baby. Blue-blooded bitch.
I was cruel to you.
But I had my good days, you know. You remember. Days that weren’t so sunny. Give me a grey overcast and a mild torrential downpour, and it’s a deal! Those were my days. That was my sunshine.
And when I pushed inside of you, you gasped. That felt good. Hell, I mean, better than good. Beyond good. But horrible. I couldn’t relax at all. I wanted to get the fuck out of there. The whole “gay” thing was…I mean, I don’t think I was really ready for that. I don’t know, when are you ready? How do you prepare for something like that, fucking another man in the ass? I guess you just have to do it.
So I did.
I told myself to calm down, get a hold of yourself, come on, it’s no big deal. I wonder how it felt for you. I think you enjoyed it. You said it wasn’t your first time, so I didn’t have to worry about being gentle. You said you liked it rough. I said I could do that.
I don’t want to hurt you, though.
No, it’s okay. I like it. I like pain. It’s good. Very good.
Your skin was slick with sweat. You were slippery like a fish beneath my palms. I caught you with my bare hands. I almost wished I could eat you. Some vegan.
Fuck me, Billy. Fuck me till I die.
You’re fucking weird, Andy.
You just smiled and shook your head. Eyes closed. Somewhere else.
Why couldn’t you just be with me?
I’m fucking you and you’re ignoring me.
I came so close.
I came so close to strangling you.
The rage was very sudden. I reached for your throat. I squeezed. And gripped your shoulders instead. Close enough. Bruised nicely, though. I’m kinda proud of that. Is that wrong?
It sounds stupid saying it, but I was a virgin to you. You were my first. It was awkward.
The way you drew in each breath, like it would be your last, the steady quickening of your pulse. You terrified me. You were never more ugly to me than you were then.
We moved some more and then it was over.
Well, better than that.
I wouldn’t know how to describe something like that.
Afterward we lay there for a while, breathing. You moved closer and wrapped your arms and legs around me, nibbling my chin like a horse to sugarcubes. We nestled underneath the blankets, our bodies pressed tightly together, sharing carbon dioxide. Belly to belly. You kissed my face. I kissed yours. Your eyelids fluttered over my skin like moths, and I remembered the importance of summer. August never knew this kind of heat. This was June all the way, baby. I could feel your heart beating against mine, and it was very strange. It seemed so close at the time. I made a sound like a heartbeat, ba-bump ba-bump, and you laughed in the darkness of the room.
I remember your smile.
And for a moment I almost believed.
It's finished. Seriously. This is the first fic I've ever written and finished that isn't just a drabble. I can hardly believe that I did it. I don't know if it's any good. Other than the beginning it wasn't really that hard. I mean, it took me about five hours, but hell, that's not bad, especially for me. I think I may even post this to fake_news or tds_rps. Probably the former considering they seem to be more open to odd pairings, and apparently someone did show some interest in Billy for slash, although I think it was with Jon. Hmm. I don't know. Anyway. IT'S DONE. I WROTE SOMETHING. I PROVED TO MYSELF THAT I AM ACTUALLY MAYBE KINDA SOMEWHAT CAPABLE OF CREATING AT LEAST TWO PAGES OF MATERIAL. THAT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING. I THINK. I HOPE.
ALSO THE TITLE IS IN NO WAY AFFILIATED WITH TEH CRUE SRSLY